Pop quiz on faith

Posted: 25th February 2010 by iBarnabas in journaling
Tags: , ,

I took a test today. A test of faith, and didn’t score very well. In the midst of praying and telling God how much I love him and how grateful I am for how wonderfully he takes care of me and loves me, and how I trust him and only want to do his will, fight battles for him, and reach people for him… My phone rang. I was amazed because the call was one I had been waiting for. A call I presumed would answer my prayers and feed my desires.

The right call, the wrong news. (here’s the test). Having just told God I wanted his will and trusted him, here I stood deflated and discouraged. I felt beaten and alone. My heart ached and I felt like I was dying. So much for trusting God. So much for trusting him to take care of me and letting him direct my paths.

I get empty when I get hurt. A hollowness enters my mind and my heart. I sit and stare off into nothing. Oblivious to my surroundings. I owe an apology to my wife and God for my behavior. My dear wife picked me up early from work and did an honorable job of trying to encourage me. She tried hard to tell me things would work out, that she knew that God was in this and still looking out for me (us). I heard her every word yet was lost in my emptiness and despair and was unresponsive to her love. I’m sorry my dear, you are a wonderful and compassionate woman and my best friend. Thank you for being there for me and being patient as I work through the thick fog of losing faith in myself and looking for a way through the hollowness of my being.

I also owe a great apology to my Lord. Forgive me Father for speaking words of valor and courage and willingness to follow your command with complete abandon and then cower alone at the first sight of blood. I do want to follow you. I do want to trust you. I do want you to be able to depend on me to listen to your command and honor your knowledge. I do want to stand tall in your army, strong and confident in who I am – a beloved child of the most high and a spiritual warrior. I’m sorry for falling short. I’m sorry for not trusting you even for a moment.

Mar 9:23-24 ” ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Heb 3:12 See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God.

So, Father, please allow me to revise and re-stand on my prayer; I know you love me, I know you are smarter than me and better suited to determine the very best path for me. Help me, Father, with my unbelief and grant me the strength to stand in your strength. To honor your honor and trust in your trustworthiness and faithfulness.

I will shake off today’s phone call as either an attempt of the enemy to derail my faith or a directive from you, oh Lord, to correct my path. Either way, Father, I lay down my life and my desires at your feet and pray, “thy will be done.”

Lead me now in the path of righteousness in your name oh Lord and grant me your strength to walk as you direct.